People-Pleasing: 5 Steps to Liberate Your Inner People-Pleaser
By Kim Vassallo - Accredited Life Coach
Do you tend to prioritise other’s needs over your own? Do you frequently seek validation and reassurance from others? Do you avoid conflict and always try to keep the peace? Do you say sorry even when you haven’t done anything wrong?
If so, you might identify with the term "people-pleaser".
As humans, most of us want to be liked by others and feel like we belong to the groups we are part of, whether that’s our family, friendship circles, workplace or the broader community. Back in caveman days, it would have been very dangerous to be disliked and shunned by our group and feelings such as fear, guilt and shame helped us avoid this and stay safe. In modern times, most of us people-please to a certain degree and when it’s flexible and aligned with our values and needs, it can be a healthy part of building and maintaining relationships. However, people-pleasing can become problematic and unhealthy when it’s driven by fear and rigid rules that we feel compelled to act on. For example, if you hold the belief “I must be liked by everyone” then you might find yourself avoiding conflict and adapting to others at the cost of your authenticity. Or if you have the rule “If I say no, then I will get rejected” then you might end up overcommitting to try to meet everyone else’s needs and expectations.
The good news is that people-pleasing isn’t a fixed personality trait that if you have, then you’re stuck with. Instead, it’s a product of your conditioning which means that the beliefs and behaviours that underlie people-pleasing have been learned and reinforced over time. Therefore, with time and practice, it’s also possible to adopt new, more flexible beliefs and behaviours that support a more balanced and authentic way of living.
The following steps outline how you can liberate your inner people-pleaser and start caring for others AND yourself in healthier ways.
Become aware of your people-pleasing patterns
The first step is becoming aware of what happens before, during and after you people-please.
Before: Start recognising what is happening before you engage in people-pleasing behaviour. Firstly, consider what is happening around you, including where you are and who you’re with. You can also journal and reflect on past interactions to pinpoint what situations and people trigger these behaviours for you. Next, explore what happens inside you - what physical sensations, feelings and thoughts show up?
During: Then notice how you respond to these sensations, feelings and thoughts. When uncomfortable and unwanted internal experiences arise, people-pleasers will try to get rid or quieten them by engaging in certain behaviours. What specific things do you do to avoid these internal experiences?
After: Lastly, consider the short- and long-term consequences of your people-pleasing behaviours. In the short term, they might help you feel better and avoid whatever scenario you fear will happen, like being rejected, disappointing someone or experiencing conflict. However, in the long term, these behaviours are likely to cause you problems. Maybe you feel burnt out by trying to meet everyone else’s needs and neglecting your own. Maybe you start to resent others because you feel that you constantly give but your efforts are not reciprocated or valued. Maybe, by living in function of others, you’ve slowly lost sight of who you are and what matters to you. Take a moment to consider the long-term costs of what you’re doing. Are these behaviours helping you to be the sort of person you want to be and live the life you want?
2. Acknowledge your feelings and make space for them
Once you have started becoming aware of your internal experiences, the next step is to acknowledge and make space for whatever is showing up. While it might be easier in the short term to sweep these under the rug and engage in people-pleasing behaviours, in the long run, this is probably going to cost you a lot. Alternatively, you practise acknowledging your inner experiences and choosing a different way of responding to them, such as letting them be rather than suppressing them. It’s helpful to start small, for example, choose an experience that is uncomfortable but not overwhelming. Allow yourself to feel whatever it’s you’re feeling and notice how these feelings rise, fall and eventually pass. While feelings might hang around for a bit, they don’t last forever.
3. Connect with your values
On the surface, people-pleasing behaviours might seem aligned with your values. While this might be the case, people-pleasing often takes these values to an unhealthy extreme. For example, a people pleaser who values loyalty might stay in relationships that are one-sided or exploitative because they feel obligated to. Also, underneath the surface, people-pleasing is first and foremost a strategy designed to keep you safe, in control and to avoid suffering. This means that people-pleasers will often act in ways that don’t align with their values as they fear this might lead to rejection, judgement or conflict. In addition, as people-pleasers are so preoccupied with others they’re frequently disconnected from the values related to themselves, such as self-compassion, self-love and self-acceptance.
Values give you direction about how you want to treat yourself, others and the world around you. Consider what values matter to YOU (not what others want you to value). What would life be like if you acted on your values in a healthy way, without getting stuck in more extreme or rigid people-pleasing behaviours?
4. Take small steps
Now it’s time to put your awareness and values into action. Choose one small thing that you would like to do differently and start there. Perhaps you want to try to express your opinion and be more assertive in your interactions, rather than going along with whatever the other person says. Or perhaps you want to practice saying ‘no’ rather than immediately agreeing to the other person’s demand. Initially, this new behaviour will feel daunting, so choose easier situations in which you feel you can give it a try. Maybe even tell a trusted friend or colleague that you’re practising being more assertive or saying ‘no’ and ask them to support you with your attempts. Once you have given it a go, try to increase the frequency of this new behaviour until you feel more comfortable and can apply it in more challenging situations.
5. Practice self-compassion
Changing unhelpful people-pleasing behaviours takes time and practice. You will inevitably encounter bumps along the way or get off track, and when that happens, remember to be kind to yourself. After all, judging or criticising yourself while you’re struggling will only make things more painful and difficult for you. If you find it challenging to be compassionate towards yourself, ask yourself how you would treat a friend or family member who was struggling. Maybe you would acknowledge their suffering, validate their experiences or do a kind deed. How could you show yourself the same kindness and understanding?
Resources
If you’re looking for more information about people-pleasing or related topics mentioned in this blog post, here are some resources you can explore:
The book Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live by Emma Reed Turrell
The book The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
A lot of the steps in this blog post are based on principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. If you’re interested in exploring this approach further, a nice starting resource is the book The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT by Dr. Russ Harris
For resources around self-compassion, I really recommend the work by Dr. Kristin Neff. Her website is packed with practices and resources: https://self-compassion.org/
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Kim Vassallo
Accredited Life Coach
Kim Vassallo (she/her) is an accredited Life Coach based in Amsterdam. Her interest in wellbeing and mental health prevention led her to complete a Masters degree in psychology and Masters degree in clinical nutrition. After working for a couple of years in mental health services, Kim now offers one-to-one coaching in-person and online as well as facilitating workshops for people seeking to connect with themselves, others and the world in more authentic, healthy and meaningful ways. She is also currently completing further training to become a Gestalt therapist.
Website: https://www.urban-conversations.com/