Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?
By Laura Kettlewell
Laura is a Life Coach and NLP Practitioner who specialises in helping women overcome self-doubt, perfectionism and overwhelm and find deep fulfilment and self-worth.
FOR MANY, FEELING THE NEED TO BE PERFECT STOPS THEM FROM ACHIEVING THEIR FULL POTENTIAL.
WE’VE INVITED LAURA TO DISCUSS THE IMPACT PERFECTIONISM HAS ON OUR ABILITY TO GROW AND HOW TO OVERCOME FEELING THE NEED TO BE PERFECT.
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Perfectionism
We often think of perfectionists as being highly organised, on it and thorough. In reality, perfectionism is less about striving to do everything perfectly and more about avoiding doing things imperfectly. This can mean avoiding tasks and situations entirely or withholding effort when we’re not certain we will do well. This is why someone may not realise they are affected by perfectionism because it’s so different to the traditional image a lot of us have.
Perfectionism is a protection mechanism we adopt to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Bréné Brown, a leading professor on the topic, refers to it as the belief that if we appear to do everything well we can “avoid or minimise the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame”. We use perfectionism as a shield in areas where we feel most vulnerable to shame. At the root of it is a fear that we aren’t good enough and can’t let certain parts of ourselves be seen.
What’s the harm?
Perfectionism prevents us from expressing our true self, taking the action we really want to and reaching our full potential. It keeps us playing small because we don’t want to experience anything that could result in failing, being judged, letting ourselves down, shining too brightly or not being liked, all of which could risk experiencing shame. It also stops us from connecting to others because the version of ourselves that we present to the world isn’t always who we really are. It can often lead to feeling the very emotions we are trying to avoid.
What causes perfectionism?
As we grow up, our beliefs about ourselves and the world are shaped by our experiences and the beliefs of those around us. Our beliefs can be either conscious or subconscious. Many perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance, such as grades, manners, appearance, obedience, or pleasing others. Along the way, they formed the belief that their self-worth is dependent on meeting certain standards.
These standards could come from society, parents or teachers and were not always realistic. Not meeting them would lead to strong feelings of shame, so the subconscious becomes hardwired to avoid feeling this again –enter the armoury of perfectionistic traits. A common example is around productivity. If you were praised for working hard during childhood and shamed for not doing so, your self-worth will be strongly attached to feeling productive. As an adult, you might seek to avoid feeling lazy and unproductive, e.g. constantly keeping busy and feeling guilty if you do switch off or rest.
What are some of the signs of perfectionism?
Signs that may indicate perfectionism are:
· All-or-nothing mindset: starting a project or habit but giving up as soon as it seems like it’s not working; avoiding or putting minimal effort into things you’re not certain you can achieve or do well at
· Putting things off: procrastination; spending an excessive amount of time on straightforward tasks, e.g. writing and re-writing emails; waiting for the right time; putting off making decisions to avoid the wrong decision
· People-pleasing
· Difficulty saying something is finished
· Turning down opportunities you actually want to take part in
· Depriving yourself of the best options because you don’t feel you’ve earned it
· Setting small goals to avoid failing
· Seeing the result as the most important part of the process
How do we overcome perfectionism?
How do we develop a growth mindset?
Perfectionism holds us back from engaging in new challenges and experiences in case we get it wrong. The antidote to this is developing a growth mindset. A growth mindset is when we believe our skills can be improved through effort, so we welcome challenges, failure and mistakes as opportunities to grow.
Aim for improvement.
When the goal is to improve, we lessen the fear of not getting it perfect or right. Allow yourself to be a beginner and to be a work in progress. When you take steps forward, you can find out what works and doesn’t work for you as you go. Sometimes we never fully know what is right for us until we’ve done the things that weren’t.
Harness the power of ‘yet’
If you find yourself saying “I can’t do that”, get into the habit of adding “yet!”.
Focus on your effort not the outcome
If we only praise ourselves for positive outcomes, we’re more likely to stay in our comfort zone where we know we get things right. Praise yourself for showing up and keep being your own cheerleader regardless of the outcome.
Know that there is no such thing as the right or the wrong decision
Try to see it as making the best decision you can with the information you have at the time. Any decision you make will lead to growth and learning.
Stay curious
Staying open to alternatives and trying out new things helps you to fixate less on one specific way forward. When we’re focused on one option only, we can experience feeling a lack of control if that option doesn’t work out.
Replace your inner critic with compassion
Perfectionists in particular can be very critical of their behaviour and choices (sometimes under the guise of motivation). Instead of motivating us, self-criticism makes us less confident about taking action. If this resonates, try to notice how you talk to yourself. When you become aware of your thoughts, you can make a conscious choice to replace a critical thought with a more compassionate one. Think about what you would say to your younger self or a loved one and speak to yourself in the same way.
Focus on your strengths
Focusing on your own qualities and strengths is a powerful way to build self-confidence and self-efficacy. It helps you to feel confident making your own decisions, instead of focusing on validation from other people or results. Ask yourself: what qualities and strengths do I love about myself? What am I good at? Make a note of these and come back to them whenever you need a confidence boost.
Affirmations
An affirmation is a positive statement that you can repeat out loud or in your head to gradually rewire neural pathways and help to change a belief. A good place to start is by creating an opposite statement to any self-critical thoughts. For example, replacing doubt about your capabilities with “I am good enough”. You could practise your affirmations just after waking up or going to sleep (when our subconscious is most receptive to this kind of messaging) or whenever a negative thought comes up.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Laura Kettlewell
Laura is a Life Coach and NLP Practitioner who specialises in helping women overcome self-doubt, perfectionism and overwhelm and find deep fulfilment and self-worth. She is also a Secondary School Teacher and former school Mental Health Ambassador. She completed her postgraduate degree at Oxford University and carried out extensive research on self-worth, which continues to be her key area of expertise.
Laura understands first-hand how deeply perfectionism can affect someone, having experienced its effects herself. She combines her own experience and training to help others better understand their thoughts and actions and to support them in moving forwards. She is passionate about providing a personalised approach and a safe space for anyone struggling with perfectionism to express themselves.