Healing from Heartbreak
Lucy Beresford
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Heartbreak is arguably the greatest agony for a person to endure. The loss of a loved one and the ending of a relationship involves not just the pain of the news, and the need to rapidly process a change of circumstances, it can leave us feeling spinning out of control and afraid for our future. We may sincerely believe we will never love, or be loved, again. And while we are trying to function, work, pay bills, eat food, or even get up in the morning, the agony of having to do it all without the person we adore can feel utterly hopeless.
The important thing to remember, as you are going through all this agony, is that at some point you will come through to the other side. You might not want to do that right now, you don’t want a new life – you want your old life, with your loved one still in it. But come through this you will, with a greater understanding of your value, and what you want in life than ever before.
What is heartbreak?
Heartbreak is about endings. Whether you are the person ending the relationship or not, the event has a psychological as well as a physical impact. The different stages to heartbreak are similar to those found in grief after bereavement. The most common psychological response is grief and melancholy, with sufferers preferring to retreat from the world. Some people speak of actual physical pain, in the heart (hence the term) or in their gut, while others suffer disturbed sleep or eating patterns.
The 7 stages of heartbreak
Shock and disbelief
if you are the one dumped, you may go into denial about the situation, particularly if the ending is unexpected. Even if you are the one calling time on the relationship, you can still get caught up in how dramatically things have changed.
Pain
After the numbness of the shock wears off, you might have actual pain around the heart or solar plexus area.
Anger
This is where the pain gets turned outwards and you can find yourself angry at everyone and everything: your loved one, your friends, the world, your faith if you have one, even the parking ticket attendant. The anger stems from your life not progressing as you want it to, and is an appropriate stage of heartbreak. If you do find yourself taking it out on the poor parking ticket attendant, have a few sentences up your sleeve in apology… most people will understand.
Depression
Turning in on yourself and withdrawing from the world for a while is an important part of the healing process. It’s about licking your wounds, sometimes with the support of a close friend or counsellor, and preparing yourself for the next stage – even though at the time you might feel like there will never be a next stage. This sadness can be all-consuming, but for a while, that’s ok.
Renewal
This is where you start to make tentative steps back into the outside world, the sadness reduces and you start to feel less preoccupied by your previous relationship.
Rebuilding
This stage sees you acquire the strength to take on tasks you once did as a couple, or attend to practical matters that perhaps your partner took care of. You might also start socialising again, perhaps going to watch a movie on your own (and have a good cry in the darkened cinema), or with people who want the best for you and can be gentle with you. This is the time to start processing the relationship, perhaps acknowledging what went wrong, or what you might have missed, as well as examining your part in the break-up.
Acceptance
This is where the breakup is now part of your history but something you can accept. In fact you might be heading towards believing it was the best thing that happened because of the newer you that you are now. You can envisage finding someone new, rather than holding yourself back.
It’s important to acknowledge the different stages you are going through, whenever you are going through them – not every stage will last the same length of time, and you won’t necessarily experience each stage, or even in the particular order I have listed here. Don’t judge yourself, ever. Simply acknowledge how you’re feeling rather than bottle it up and pretend, to yourself as well as the world, that everything is fine. Have compassion for yourself, much as you would had you suffered an actual bereavement. Treat yourself, gets lots of sleep where you can, eat as healthily as possible and surround yourself with people who want the best for you – people who can rally round or leave you alone as you wish.
Moving forward
Ask yourself whether you have any unmet needs (for love, attention, freedom, compassion, or respect) left over from childhood. For example, if you are afraid to commit or are too clingy or always fall for unreliable or unavailable people, ask yourself whether these traits carry an echo for you of someone important in your early life in case, without realising it, you’re trying to repair that childhood relationship. Understanding how we enter intimate relationships, and what we bring to them from our past, can help us enter our next one with more understanding and more confidence.
Surviving loss or endings or coping with rejection, are important life skills to acquire. They help you develop resilience and find out more about who you are and what you need, to live the life you deserve – the life of your dreams. Many people who have endured deep and painful heartbreak later say that it was the best thing to have happened to them, because it taught them that they were stronger that they realised, it showed them who their true friends are, and it gave them the courage to push further in life, making it ultimately more wonderful.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Lucy Beresford
Lucy Beresford is an award-winning psychotherapist, broadcaster and writer. Best known for hosting a weekly Sex & Relationships phone-in show on LBC Radio, where she was dubbed ‘the naughty Mary Poppins’, Lucy hosts On The Couch podcast for Reaction magazine, reviews the papers every fortnight for The Jeremy Vine Show and Times Radio, and her TEDx talk “Infidelity: to stay or to go?” has been viewed on You Tube over 2.8 million times. She works with adults clinically in central London, and has also worked as a psychotherapist in New Delhi.
Lucy is the founder of The Kindness Club, and its award-winning Refuge for Books scheme, which creates libraries in shelters run by the UK domestic violence charity Refuge. She is also the author of the self-help book HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS: at home, work, and play, and 3 novels SOMETHING I’M NOT, HUNGRY FOR LOVE, and INVISIBLE THREADS which is set in New Delhi.
Twitter: @lucyberesford
Instagram: @thelucyberesford1
Website: https://www.lucyberesford.com